Starring: Maureen Ridley, Robert Tanet and Wayne Mack
Director: Jack Weis
Rating: Three of Ten Stars
A Vietnam vet (Tanet) retires to "Haunted Island" is murdered by three dippy locals who want his money. Luckily for him, an Aztec voodoo spirit named Damballa (Ridley) has fallen in love with him. She resurrects him to fulfill his destiny.
While reading my summary of "Crypt of Dark Secrets", you probably said to yourself, "An Aztec voodoo spirit?" Well, that's just one of the questions you'll be aksing yourself as you are watching this slow-moving disjointed film that has so little meat to it that the padding is padded. Other questions will be "Where is the crypt from the title?", "Is this movie going anywhere?", and "Was this the first work of the monkeys who wrote the latest video from that al-Qaeda freak with the bulls-eye birthmark on his forehead?"
However, just as you have had your fill of bad dialogue delivered by even worse actors, and you're about to give up on the film, there's a scene with the very sexy Maureen Ridley wearing very little or nothing at all. If there ever was an actress who was cast in a movie for no reason other than looking fabulous while naked, it's Maureen Ridley... she is miserable to watch whenever she tries acting, but when she's writing around naked or wandering around in a buckskin bikini, her lack of talent as an actress become irrelevant.
I'm giving this film a 3/10 rating, even if it's a very low 3 and it probably should be a 2. But, the combination of Maureen Ridley's bare flesh and a certain weirdness factor to the story that made me think, "I see an interesting Ravenloft scenario here" and "I wonder how this would have turned out if it had been made 20 years later and Charles Band was directing?" causes me to give it a little extra consideration.
For the record, if Band had helmed this production--given what he did with "Blood Dolls", "Hideous!" and "Head of the Family"--I think this film would have been a thoroughly perverted and thoroughly hilarious slice of voodoo weirdness. If you're a hardcore fan of his films, maybe this is worth a look. Although, don't blame me if you don't like it.)
Click here to read about "The Naked Witch" at Movies You Should Die Before You See.