31 Nights of Halloween: O.I.

O.I. (2018)

Starring: Ben Cotton, Birkett Turton (as "Kett Turton"), and Toby Hargrave

Director: N'Cee Van Heerden

Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

Barry (Cotton) has an original idea... and he lives to regret it.

There's a skit in an episode of the classic comedy variety series "Monty Python's Flying Circus" where a joke writer invents a joke so funny that anyone who hears it laughs themselves to death. This short film--which is strikes a deft balance between comedy and horror--plays with a similar premise, but does so with humor that's as black as tar. 

The film is well-staged, well-acted, and while the ending is ALMOST a foregone conclusion, there's a couple minor twists that, together with its perfect timing and execution

I like this film so much that I was waffling between whether to give it an Eight or Nine Rating on the Ten-Star Scale. I ultimately settled on 8, because the sequence where poor Barry is held captive by the C.I.A. goes on just a little too long without a strong enough punchline (or maybe an exploding head to serve as a period).

Check it out. I promise you've not had this much fun watching heads explode since "Scanners".

31 Nights of Halloween: The Black Hole

Tonight's offering reminded me of stories I read as a kid in DC Comics horror anthologies, or saw on television in series like Tales From the Dark Side. It's a cautionary tale about greed...

The Black Hole (2008)
Starring: Napoleon Ryan
Directors: Phil & Olly
Rating: Nine of Ten Stars

'Bane' is interesting but deeply flawed

Bane (2009)
Starring: Sophie Dawnay, Tina Barnes, Lisa Devlin, Sylvia Robson, Daniel Jordan, and Jonathan Sidgwick
Director: James Eaves
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Four women (Barnes, Dawnay, Devlin, and Robson) wake up locked in a room with electrified walls and no memory of who they are. They soon discover they are part of some sort of nightmarish research project... and that their role in it is likely to end with their deaths.

"Bane" is a bit of a throwback to the day when "Cube" was the cutting-edge in the torture porn sub-genre. It's a film that keeps viewers engaged because of the mystery surrounding the who, why, and what of its story. The  violence comes in shocking spurts, and the gore shown in such a way that more is in the imagination than on the screen--both of which are huge plusses in the film's favor and which add to its watchability.

Another plus is the strong cast of actors. Everyone gives convincing and engaging performances, with Daniel Jordan as the creepy doctor in charge really making you hate him as the film unfolds and he cruelly subjects the four victims to mind-games and later out-and-out torture. The only principle performer who seems flat and out of place is Jonathan Sidgwick, but I suspect that may be by design rather than Sidgwick being untalented. He doesn't have much to do except look handsome--and he sticks out in the otherwise grim and grimy environment of the film. (I've not seen him in anything else, so it's not completely fair of me to pass judgement on him.)

And it's especially not fair, because Sidgwick's character may seem flat and out of place as a result of the film's flawed script. With a great cast, a strong premise, and some nice twists before we get to the end, this film has all the makings of something I'd give Seven or Eight Stars to. However, writer/director James Eaves did not spend enough time on inserting character touches to elevate the film to that level.

It's hard for me to talk about where Eaves script goes wrong without spoiling the movies twists, but, basically, he didn't spend enough time showing us the personalities of the four captives--or even the two main ones. I understand this is difficult, given the fact they don't know who they are, and the need for the film to maintain its secrecy to the end, but at least giving us some broader strokes about who the characters are deep down would have been helpful in making the viewers care more about them as the film unfolded.

Take for example Katherine. In the opening sequence where the four women are shown being inducted into the research project, she is shown not putting up a fight. As we are first introduced to the characters, we get the sense that she might be some sort of leader or authority figure when she is "in her right mind," but this seems to be forgotten as the film unfolds as she makes no effort to organize the women or negotiate with her captors, or do anything you'd expect a positively directed Type A personalty to do. Without ever receiving any sort of insight into who she is, we can't engage wit her because of her strange passivity. On the flip side, we have Natasha--a negatively directed Type A personality who spends the movie ranting and raving and otherwise behaving like a lunatic, but ultimately not standing up to anyone or anything except Katherine's mild attempts to impose order and humanity among the captives. As a result, the viewer is more annoyed at Natasha than concerned for her safety. The nature of the characters is somewhat explained toward the end of the film, but that doesn't excuse the fact that Eaves didn't give us enough sense of who they are earlier.

Another script problem relates to the twist in the story. I like the twist, but I don't like how it was handled. Again, I can't comment in too much detail without ruining the film, but the way the ending is handled gives you the sense that the people conducting the research project the women are part of are true and utter morons. Basically, any rational (or irrational person for that matter) would be able to see that there's no point in murdering the test subjects as happens here... and the fact that the project seems to have been designed with the death of the subjects as the end result makes it even stupider.

While there are some things to like about "Bane"--and I was generally entertained by it--it's hard for me to give it a glowing recommendation because the execution of the story is so flawed. If you liked "Cube," you might like this. If you haven't seen "Cube", check it out first. It's the grand-daddy of the sub-genre... and a better film all-around.



Note: This review was based on a screener copy provided to me by distributor Chemical Burn/Reality Entertainment.

Cancer research kills on the island of terror

Island of Terror (aka "Night of the Silicates) (1966)
Starring: Edward Judd, Peter Cushing, Carole Gray, Eddie Byrne and Sam Kydd
Director: Terence Fisher
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

Bone specialist Dr. David West (Judd) and pathologist Dr. Brian Stanley (Cushing) travel to a remote island off the coast of England to help stem an outbreak of a strange disease that seems to be dissolving the very bones of animals and island residents. The soon discover that the island is about to be overrun by gigantic, mobile, mutated cells that survive by sucking calcium and other minerals from their victims. Will the scientists find a to destroy the seemingly indestructible, rapidly multiplying monsters before they kill everything on the island... and then spread to the rest of the world? More importantly, will the lovely Toni (Gray) slap Dr. Stanley for his heavy-handed flirtatious comments?


"Island of Terror" is a GREAT monster movie with a fabulous setting and a cast that deliver excellent performances. The movie starts creepy, builds tension steadily, and ends up with an exciting climax where survivors are crammed into a single building for a desperate last stand. It is a classic in every sense of the word, from the Golden Age of sci-fi in at the cinema.

I've heard this film compared to the original "Dr. Who" series, both in a favorable and a disparaging sense. I tend to think the comparison is accurate, particularly of the John Pertwee and Tom Baker years. The monsters bear some resemblance in design to many of those we saw on "Dr. Who" (and perhaps they may seem laughable to the "sophisticated" viewer in the 21st century) and the setting, nature, and development of the story is likewise similar to the stories featured on the TV show. However, "Island of Terror" is much better paced, far better acted, and far better filmed than any "Dr. Who" storyline. (I also suspect that a couple of people who have made such comments have had limited exposure to British sci-fi from the 50s and 60s... and so perhaps everything would remind them of "Dr. Who.")

If you like monster movies and classic sci-fi films, you owe it to yourself to check out "Island of Terror." Another reason to see it is Peter Cushing's performance. He gets to show off his comedy skills.

Aliens are out to sea in 'Virus'

Virus (1998)
Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Sutherland and William Baldwin
Director: John Bruno
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

A tugboat crew trying to salvage a mysteriously deserted Russian research vessel find themselves battling for survival against a hurricane and the alien lifeform that has taken up residence onboard the ship.


"Virus" is a sci-fi action thriller that doesn't feature the most original of scripts--the late 1990s seems to have been the era of ghost ships and hurricanes, and the featured alien menace is a cross between Stargate's Replicators and Star Trek's Borg--but it's well-acted, features great special effects and sets, and is full of tension and fun, gory action from beginning to end. And it's probably a good thing that it moves so fast, because you almost don't have time to think about some of the weaker parts of the story nor a couple of the fairly large plot holes.

If you're looking for sci-fi thriller you can watch without taxing your brain too much, this is the film to seek out. Otherwise, you can skip it, like just about everyone did when it first appeared in theatres. (It cost over $75 million to make and it barely took in $14 million in the US theaters.)

'Xtro 3' craters like a meteor strike

Xtro 3: Watch the Skies (1994)
Starring: Sal Landi, Andrew Divoff, Andrea Lauren Hertz, and Robert Kulp
Director: Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

A group of Marine demolitions experts are sent to a remote, deserted island to disarm explosives left over from WW2. As will happen, something goes wrong and they unleash an alien that has been trapped in a bunker for several decades. Gory mayhem ensues.

I've read in several places that director Harry Bromley Davenport says this is his favorite entry in the "Xtro" series. I can't for the life of me figure out why. As flawed as it was, the original "Xtro" is far more interesting on every level than this one... and far more competently made.

It's actually a shame that "Xtro 3" turned out as a textbook example of what happens when a low-budget film is made with a slip-shod attitude, because there was a lot of potential here.

The setting--a deserted jungle island that once housed interned Japanese and a secret research facility could have been a character unto itself and filled the movie with atmosphere if the cinematography and direction hadn't been as lifeless as an instructional video on how to navigate the Dewey Decimal System. The story of Marines stalked by a murderous alien creature could have been engaging if the script writer had taken time to research actual military protocols and behaviors, had spent some time making the characters interesting and distinct, and bothered to actually bothered to do more than one draft so the dialogue didn't sound like something written for a cheap voice-over of a Japanese sci-fi movie.

And speaking of characters, perhaps if the actors all didn't seem like they had been handed the script pages right before cameras started to roll but instead seemed like they were in character instead of simply delivering the bad lines, the audience could perhaps develop attachment to one or more of them. Although decent acting would not make up for the fact that illogical, plot-dictated behavior governs every action they take, because no one seems to have bothered to think scenes through.

Similarly, if someone had paid attention to costuming and continuity on the production, maybe generous-minded or entertainment-starved viewers would be able to suspend disbelief and engage with the film, despite the incompetent direction and script. However, the appearing and disappearing gear on characters and less effort put into costuming than you might put into getting dressed for lounging around the house on a Saturday when your friends are all out of town, make that impossible.

Finally, although the alien has possibilities to rival the creepy creature of the original "Xtro," it ends up more laughable than scary due to badly executed special effects and the aforementioned illogical, plot-dictated character behavior. Is there anyone reading this who has seen this film who didn't think like I did: "Why run when you can just kick it really hard?"

"Xtro 3" continues the decline of this series into crapitude. The only thing that keeps it from sinking to a Two Rating (and thus earning a place over at Movies You Should [Die Before You] See) is the alien's back story. It's a cool idea... and it's too bad that it is wasted in a movie like this one. (I won't give it away here, because it is one of the few decent story elements in the film.)

If your looking for something to round out a Bad Movie Night line-up, "Xtro 3: Watch the Skies" might be what you're looking for. You might, however, be better off actually watching the skies and identifying shapes in the clouds.

'The Dark Watchers' is almost worth watching

It's been a while since I've had time to post an actual review here. Hopefully, this marks the reversal of that trend!

Men in Black: The Dark Watchers (aka "Dark Watchers: The Women in Black") (2012)
Starring: Melanie Denholme, Eirian Cohen, Val Monk, Lee Roberts, and Rudy Barrow
Director: Philip Gardiner
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

A group of UFO enthusiasts (Barrows, Cohen, Denholme, and Monk) become targets of the Men in Black and gradual transformation into something not human!

This film offers a model on how to make the modern exploitation film. It's a cheaply made movie that's being promoted with great-looking graphics and a fascinating preview that highlights the three attractive women that play the lead roles and which, together with the title, bring to mind the completely unrelated big-budget "Men in Black" movies starring Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith. The timing is also ideal, as there's a third Jones/Smith "Men In Black" film due out this year. A simple, great-looking website (which you can check out by by clicking here)further helps to make this film look like something you want to rent or buy.

Like the vast majority of exploitation flicks, the actual movie can't live up to the great promotional graphics and the nifty preview. (Actually, this can be said about a host pictures, including more "respectable" ones, but it is especially true of films like this one.) I was about 15 minutes into the film when I realized that it would not live up to the promises of the marketing material, any more than Roger Corman's "She-Gods of Shark Reef" did.

While the film is every bit as stylish as I would expect from the preview and it features decent acting and some great story set-ups, it fails to deliver on any of the promises inherent in those story set-ups. The film ultimately feels like an incoherent collection of vignettes during wich the main characters (and a couple of random chicks running around in blood-soaked clothes) are tormented by the Men in Black and the strange aliens who are heralding some unspecified doom. And at no point in the film does anything become any clearer, nor does anything that we watch ultimately seem to have any point other than to eat up the film's running time.

Ultimately, "Men in Black: The Dark Watchers" feels like someone edited out the film's content and left the padding. The music video included as a bonus feature on the DVD is more coherent, and therefore more interesting, than the main feature.

And this is really too bad. It's clear this film was written and directed by a creator of some talent, and the marketing is really very slick. If just a little attention had been paid to story, I think I'd probably be praising this movie instead of panning it.

Just leave this one alone and in the dark

Alone in the Dark (2005)
Starring: Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff and Tara Reid
Director: Uwe Boll
Rating: One of Ten Stars

Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) is a paranormal investigator who has spent the last several years trying to unlock a mystery in his past that is somehow tied to a mysterious prehistoric culture. He is on the verge of finding his answers when a series of nonsensical events surrounding invisible monsters, a girlfriend played by an apparently bored actress (Tara Reid), symbiot-infected government agents, and a for-no-apparent-reason-bitter co-worker from the government's paranormal research branch Dept. 713 (Stephen Dorff) erupt.

This movie starts with a dull bit of exposition, and it doesn't get much better. It's a mish-mash of half-developed story elements and non-developed characters played by actors who in most cases seem like they know they're in an awful film so they're not even trying. The monstrous threat is self-contradictory (the critters are loose in the world, yet they're not... the critters are stopped from invading the world, yet they've depopulated it by the end). The super-secret, heavily armed government agency set up to deal with supernatural threats have been fighting the growing monster menace for years, yet they go to face it repeatedly in the film without the fairly simple, easy-to-come-by methods to weaken it. (The creatures are vulnerable to light. Private citizens can rent light towers with gas or battery powered generators, yet the hi-tech, paramilitary Dept. 713 can't lay their hands on any.)

Maybe the problem is that the three writers on "Alone in the Dark" never showed each others pages to one another before rehearsal and filming started?

There is nothing nice to say about this film, except maybe that it moves fast enough to not get boring. For that, it gets a very generous One Star. I knew I was watching garbage, but it kept me mildly entertained. I still wish I had the time back I spent watching it, and I don't recommend you waste yours on this film.

The Complete Night Stalker, Part Three

With episodes Nine through Twelve, some of the inconsistent quality of the first few episodes is seeming to creep back into the series. Nothing is as bad as the worst of those, however, and some of the greatest moments of the entire series can be seen in these episodes.

But the ups and downs quality-wise will continue to be a problem.

Kolchak: The Night Stalker
(The Complete Television Series Reviewed, Part Three)

Episode Nine: The Spanish Moss Murders
Director: Gordon Hessler
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A bizarre string of muders that are linked only by the presence of spanish moss at the crime scene has the police baffled. Kolchak eventually discovers at additional link--hot-tempered Cajun transplant Paul Langois. He has a sure-fire alibi, in that he has been kept asleep in a lab while the murders have been happening. When Kolchak attempts to get Langois awakened, he becomes the next target of the moss-dripping monster. How will one reporter stop a nightmare monster?

This episode has some really tense moments, and the use of a "dream monster" is pretty clever. Keenan Wynn also joins the cast as one of the many homicide officers that Kolchak drives up the wall--one of the few unfortunate enough to have to cross Carl's path more than once. It's not one of the best, but it's pretty good.


Episode Ten: The Energy Eater
Director: Alexander Grasshoff
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

While covering the opening of a newly constructed, state-of-the-art hospital on Chicago's lakefront, Kolchak experiences some bizarre electrical overloads in its basement, which is also unbearably hot. After exhausting all the possible natural causes for the troubles, Kolchak tracks down a Native American shaman who was part of a workcrew who quit the construction project shortly after it began. From him, he learns that an ancient, hungry spirit--the Bear God--has been awakened, and that if it isn't returned to its state of hibernation, much more than just the hospital will be destroyed. The shaman is too scared to face the creature, so it's once again up to Carl to solve matters on his own.

This episode has some amusing moments--mostly from the womanizing Indian shaman Jim Elkhorn--and the idea of a powerful spirit being reawakened by the interference of modern man is a neat one, but the episode just sort of drags, with repetative scenes of Carl visiting the hospital with different advisors. The truly great moment is when Carl tries to assemble a bunch of pictures he took into the image of Bear God... and realizes that all he got was the unseen gigantic creature's eyeball.

This was an episode with lots of potential, but the creators didn't quite pull it off.


Episode Eleven: Horror in the Heights
Director: Michael Caffey
Rating: Nine of Ten Stars

While working on a series of articles intended to call attention to the tragic conditions some senior citizens are forced to live in, Kolchak arrives at the conclusion that something far more sinister than rabid rats is lurking in the shadows of Chicago's run-down Heights neighborhood. But how does one fight an Indian demon that can change shape at will?

This is quite possibly one of the very best episodes in the series. Not only is it populated with a great cast of supporting actors (including one that provides some amusing continuity to "The Spanish Moss Murders", but the script (by Jimmy Sangster, who wrote some great scripts for Hammer Films) features not only some truly scary moments, but we end up with some great insight into Carl Kolchak's character. This episode--and the last few minutes in particular--make him seem like a real human being moreso than anything we've seen since the original "The Night Stalker" movie.

"Horror in the Heights" manages to be both scary and touching, and even serve up a little bit of social commentary without getting too preaching. There is some intended humor that falls flat in a scene in an Indian restraunt, but that's really the only misstep in this episode. This is certainly one of the installments that made the series a "cult classic."


Episode Twelve: Mr. R.I.N.G.
Director: Gene Levitt
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

While working on a puff-piece obituary of a scientist, Kolchak uncovers a government conspiracy to conceal the existence of a highly advanced robot that has developed sentience and a willingness to kill to ensure its own survival.

While this episode has some nice moments--Kolchak struggling to get the story recorded before the drugs he's been administered wipe it from his mind, the robot's efforts to make itself human, and some additional insight into Kolchak's nicer side--it is overall too slow moving to be all that entertaining. It also doesn't even provide the slightest twist to the "robot wants to be alive" plot, nor the Big Bad Government Is Hiding Things subplot. (Although, it could be that in the mid-1970s, the Big Bad Government storylines weren't quite as played out as they are today.)

Not among the worst episode in the series, but also not one of the best. However, it one that very clearly shows how this series was part of Chris Carter's inspiration for "The X-Files." Heck, they probably did an episode of that show that could have been shot from this script.

Please join me again next Monday for a look at another batch of "Kolchak: The Night Stalker" episodes.

'Despiser' has great atmosphere on low budget

Despiser (2003)

Starring: Mark Redfield, Doug Brown, Frank Smith, Michael Weitz, Tara Bilkins, Mike Cuccherini, and Philip J. Cook

Director: Philip J. Cook

Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Fired from his job, left by his wife, evicted from his home, killed in a car crash, and sent to Purgatory, Doug (Redfield) naturally thinks tings can't worse. But he's wrong. He soon finds himself in the middle of a battle to free the souls of Purgatory from the Shadowmen and an alien force known as the Despiser.

"Despiser" is the sort of movie I never would have believed could work on a low-budget, even in this age of relatively cheap computer graphics. It's a large-scale action/fantasy story with explosions, gunplay, car-chases and subsequent car-crashes, more explosions, and very alien creatures. It also takes place mostly in another dimension.

But producer/director delivers a large and ambitious film that's far beyond the usual low-budget fare with computer graphics taking care of all the very action and set-aspects of the film. These aren't computer graphics that are going to fool anyone--they are only slightly above the level of where the standard computer game was when this movie was released and about at the place where most MMO RPGs are today, but these obvious graphics work because the film embraces them and uses them to emphasize the otherworldly nature of the Purgatory dimension where the film takes place. (There are a couple of instances where computer graphics and blue-screen shots are used in the "real world"--such as the exterior of an apartment building where some characters are out on a ledge, or during the incidident that leads to Doug ending up in Purgatory--that are not as successful as when it's used to represent the world of the afterlife. Fortunately, there aren't many times where Cook does this.)

"Despiser" also features a better-than-average cast with, with Mark Redfield as our confused hero giving a performance worthy of any big-budget action star you'd care to mention. In fact, there was only one single supporting actor giving a stagey, flat, and unconvincing performance in the entire film, although I winced a bit at the inconsistent bad accents affected by Frank Smith (Japanese) and Tara Bilkins (British), but they really didn't have enough lines that it detracted from the movie that much. (Well, maybe Smith did... shortly after the character was introduced, I wondered, "Why does is that Mexican guy wearing a WW2 flight jacket with the Japanese kamakazi rising sun flag on the back?" but shortly thereafter an exchange between characters made me realize Smith was not playing a Mexican but was supposed to be Japanese.)

The film also featured a lean and to-the-point script without a single dull moment. While some of the dialogue could have used a bit of work--the insults and witty action-hero style banter from Doug needed some serious sharpening--the overall script was fun, fast-moviing and thoroughly enjoyable.

The Complete Night Stalker, Part One

Since horror movie reviews are nothing out of the ordinary here, I'm going to build up to Halloween by reviewing every episode in the classic Kolchak: The Night Stalker series. I already covered the two movies, so nothing seemed more appropriate than this.

(And if anyone out there would like write about that short-lived remake series from a few years back, I'm always open to guest posts!)

Kolchak: The Night Stalker
(The Complete Television Series Reviewed, Part One)

Episode One: The Ripper
Director: Allen Baron
Rating: Four Four of Ten Stars

A serial killer is stalking the women of Chicago and beating the tar out of police officers by the dozens. Kolchak (Darren McGavin), along with his long-suffering editor Tony Vincienzo (Simon Oakland), have landed at INS, a small-time wire-service. As Kolchak (over Tony's objections) investigates the killings, he comes to believe that that he is the original Jack the Ripper, and that unless Kolchak stops him before he claims his fifth victim, he will vanish and resuface in a different city where the pattern will repeat itself.


If the plot of the first episode of the series sounds familiar, then that's because it is. It's basically the same as that featured in "The Night Strangler."

This is a dissapointing start, made even more dissapointing by the fact that there is never any real sense of menace in the story. Yes, a serial killer is on the loose, but Kolchak is never in any danger. On the upside, McGavin and Oakland are both as good in their parts as they were in the films.



Episode Two: The Zombie
Director: Alex Grasshoff
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

Someone is murdering Chicago's gangsters and a chance conversation with one of his sources sets Kolchak on the trail of the culprit: A small-times numbers operator who has been called back from the grave to serve as the means to avenge his death.

I was as delighted by this episode as I was disappointed in the series' first installment. There wasn't a single element of the episode that wasn't an improvement over "The Ripper." The storyline was more original, the funny parts were funnier, and Kolchak's ability to survive the adventure intact felt as though it was in serious doubt on more than one occassion. While the threat of the mad slasher seemed distant and non-personal to Kolchak in "The Ripper", in this episode, Our Man at INS is under threat of sudden termination by illegal bookmaking operators, gangsters, corrupt cops, and, of course, the walking dead. In fact, Kolchak's confrontation with the zombie is so creepy that it tops what you see in many movies.


Episode Three: They Have Been, They Are, They Will Be...
Director: Allen Baron
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

After a string of bizarre animal deaths at a Chicago zoo are followed by some very similar murders, Kolchak becomes convinced that space aliens are threatening the city--who else could possibly be mutilating animals and then escalating to doing the same to people? Will he manage to prove the Truth Is Out There, or will the government agents dogging his heels stop him?

This episode has a rushed feel to it. The story simply doesn't hang together, and has some pretty dumb elements, even by the standards of the Seventies (an alien who is off-course with his spaceship can find his way home using a planetarium's starmap?), and Kolchak makes some pretty far leaps of logic to keep the story going--because much of what he concludes isn't based in his investigation--and the fact that he manages to locate the alien craft using a very simple method; if finding the UFO is THAT easy, why hasn't the government got it surrounded already? The greatest flaw of the episode is that it's dull. It never manages to engage the viewers. In fact, the best part of it is Kolchak's voice-over at the end where he compares the murderous alien to just another traveler stopping at a roadside diner for a bite to eat. If only the rest of the show had been that amusing.


Episode Four: The Vampire
Director: Don Weis
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

After weaseling his way to being sent on assignment to write a puff piece about a Guru visiting Los Angeles (thus getting what he views as a paid vacation), Kolchak is distracted by the news of murders that seem eerily similar to ones that he investigated while living in Las Vegas. In fact, this episode is an unofficial sequel to "The Night Stalker" movie, as the vampire menacing Los Angeles is a spawn of the creature that first drew Kolchak into confrontation with the supernatural.


Kolchak's attempts to trap the vampire in this episode are pretty amusing, as is his attempt to use a real estate agent he meets as a ghost-writer to meet his deadline with INS. The climax with the vampire is interesting (even if I found myself wondering how he managed to set up the way he trapped her), and I think this is the first time where Kolchak isn't the victim of a far-reaching cover-up, or is left with no evidence that something bizarre happened . Just like in "The Night Stalker," the police arrest him for the murder of the vampire, but they have to let him go... for a very interesting and sensible reason. But, there's no hint that anyone is going out of their way to cover things up. (Of course, no one believes in vampires, even in Hollyweird.)

All in all, this was a pretty good episode. It was nice to see some tie-backs to the movie that started it all, and it was also nice to see a police officer portrayed like an intelligent person. The homicide luitenant in "The Vampire" is intelligent and dilligent enough to keep digging into his murder cases even after a couple of Satanists are locked up for them, because the clues aren't adding up. Virtually every other police officer that's appeared in the series up to this point would have called it a day with the first suspects.

Next week, I cover episodes 5 through 8, as I continue my way through the mixed bag that is "The Night Stalker" television series.

Xtro: One of the creepiest monster flicks

Xtro (1983)
Starring: Bernice Steger, Phillip Seyer, Maryam D'Abo, and Simon Nash
Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Three years after being abducted by aliens, Sam (Seyer) returns a very different man, and he passes his gooey, gory alien powers onto his young son (Nash).



When I first saw this movie as a kid, it freaked the heck out of me. The father coming back and spreading alien corruption throughout the household, the way the son was transformed, and the way he in turn went after the horny au-paire (D'Abo)... even the creepy way he made deadly things appear with his mental powers. It all seemed very, very scary.

I suspect someone watching the film with less jaded eyes than mine could still find "Xtro" scary. At this point, I find still find some of the movie quite disturbing--Sam's method of returning to human form was not something I recalled, and it is definately creepy; the alien egg-laying scene; and the final scene with the mother... well, up to a point with that one--but in general, I now view this film mostly with a sense of frustration because there are two fundamental things that spoil it for me.

First, there's the fact that there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of rhyme or reason to what the characters do, alien or otherwise. In fact, some of the things that happen are pure "Stupid Character Syndrom"--a character does something just to make sure the plot doesn't come to screeching halt, even if a vaguely intelligent person would take any one of numerous different options.

Second, the director and/or scriptwriter simply doesn't know when enough is enough, and this spoils a number of what otherwise would have been excellent, very scary moments. The movie's ending is the ultimate example of this. I won't go into details, because I would spoil it, but suffice to say, the filmmakers ruin a perfectly good ending. If they had been smart, the film would be about 5-10 seconds shorter.

On the upside, we do get to see D'Abo prance around in absolutely nothing, and the acting is uniformly bland (not quite bad... just flat) so no one stands out as good or bad. Gorehounds might also be impressed with a number of scenes in film. The "Return of Sam" scene is a standout in that sense. "Xtro" also features a well-done electronic score, and those are few and far between.

Nonethless, this is a film that clocks in at the low end of average... although I admit my reaction may partially be due to it not living up to my memories of it. (Maybe I'll get the courage to watch "The Exorcist" again. It's the only movie I walked out because it scared me too badly.)

'Jason X' is fresh air for tired slasher series

Jason X (2001)
Starring: Lexa Doig, Kane Hodder and Lisa Ryder
Director: Jim Isaac
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

Jason is the mad killer from the "Friday the 13th" movie series. He started out as the crazed mongoloid son of an even crazier mother, but over the series he morphed into a demon-animated, industructable murder machine.

As "Jason X" opens, the unstoppable killing machine has been captured by the US Army, and a sexy woman scientist (Doig) is trying to find a way to destroy Jason once and for all... but with no luck. Naturally, Jason escapes confinement and starts killing everyone in the base. He and the scientist get trapped in an experimental cryogentic suspended animation chamber, and there they stay until recovered centuries later by a group of teenagers on an archeology class outing to Old Earth.


After the scientist and Jason are revived onboard a spaceship, Jason--of course--goes on a killing rampage, and along the way receives nanite-created cybernetic enhancement. Who will be left standing after the final, far-future confrontation between Jason and the scientist in the tight tanktop?

This is by far the most entertaining "Jason" movie since the two original films, and it's a far more fun "re-imagining" than the lame remake from last year. The script actually has a number of unexpected twists--it's been a loooong time since anyone bothered putting a real plot into a Jason/Friday the 13th movie--the dialogue sharp and witty, and the murders are mostly quite creative and often take advantage of the sci-fi setting. There are even some inside jokes that will inspire gales of laughter among those who have seen lots of films in the mad slasher genre. (The dvd is particularly amusing with its "jump to a death" feature.)

By the way, this is also the only "Friday the 13th" sequel that I have in my personal collection of movies, because it's the only one that has continued to entertain on repeat viewings.

British monster menaces choir boys and big-breasted women!

Panic (aka "Bakterion") (1974)
Starring: David Warbeck, Janet Agren, and Jose Lifante
Director: Tonino Ricci
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

A butter-fingered scientist spills experimental biological weapons-matter all over himself and turns into a rampaging creature that attacks big-breasted women in tight tops and choir boys on the outskirts of London. Captain Kirk (Warbeck)--no, not THAT Captain Kirk--is charged with hunting him down while a beautiful scientist (Agren) races to find a cure.


This is not the worst movie ever made, but it certainly is one of the stupidest. Heavily padded with tranquil city and country road scenes--supposedly made suspenseful by the lame soundtrack--and featuring a lame monster, lame villains, a painfully generic hero, and even more painfully bad dialogue.

"Panic" might provide some mild entertainment as a secondary feature at a Bad Movie Party, but otherwise it's an utterly worthless bit of cinema.

Monster o' the Irish goes inter-stellar

As a run-up to St. Patrick's Day, I'm posting reviews of some of the "Leprechaun" movies.


Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)
Starring: Warwick Davis, Rebekah Carlton, Brent Jasmer, Miguel A. Núñez Jr., Tim Colceri and Guy Siner
Director: Brian Trenchard-Smith
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

The efforts of a space-faring evil leprechaun (Davis) to woo an alien princess (Carlton) are interrupted by a group of mercenaries and a mad scientist who carry off both the princess and the gold. The leprechaun doesn't take kindly to having his treasures stolen, and he goes about executing gory and bizarre revenge.


Take a second-rate horror comedy and cross it with a third-rate sci-fi monster flick and you have "Leprechaun 4."

I give the filmmakers credit for coming with a crazy idea--which reportedly came about when an executive at Tristar Pictures had Tom Hanks' face on a poster for "Apollo 13" replaced with the Leprechaun's face--even if the end result isn't quite up to the original film. I also give them credit for having the insight for taking a creature that had basically been played out as a straight horror property over the course of the previous films and going all-out comedic with it.

Unfortunately, for all the credit I give them, it doesn't change the fact that the film is rather dull during its first half. It isn't until late in the movie, after the leprechaun retrieves his princess and unleashes a second monster on the spaceship, that things get interesting. And even then, the film is a little too slow movie, never reaching the level of energy that the concept requires. The jokes never come fast enough for the viewer to not guess the punchline before it arrives, and the gore is nowhere near plentiful enough. In fact, it's near non-existent.

It's a movie that will inspire a few laughs if you're sober, but it is funnier if you have a few beers onboard and the brain isn't quite as sharp as it might otherwise be.

'Pitch Black' is a neat fusion of action, sci-fi and horror

Pitch Black (2000)
Starring: Vin Diesel, Radha Mitchell, and Claudia Black
Director: David Twohy
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

In the sci-fi/horror flick "Pitch Black," a passenger ship is heavily damaged by the tail of a rogue comet and crashlands on a desolate planet. Only a handful of passengers and one crewmember, Fry (Mitchell), survive, and they find that they must put their faith in Riddick (Diesel), a violent, murderous criminal who was being transported on the ship if they are to have any hope to survive. However, they soon discover that Riddick isn't the most dangerous creature on the planet--caverns under the surface are teeming with deadly, flesh-eating beats. The upside is that these beats are extremely sensitive to light, and the planet has three suns. The downside is that the planet is about to be plunged into a total eclipse that may last for years.


"Pitch Black" is an excellent horror flick of the kind where a small group of people must survive the night against an onslaught of mysterious monsters. It sticks pretty close to the genre conventions, but it uses them to their full effectiveness, never allowing them to become an excuse for lazy storytelling or sloppy filmmaking. It's also one of those movies that shows that excellent filmmaking and judiciously used CGI can indeed happen in the context of a small budget.

The acting is great all around, the story has enough twists and turns to keep the audience guessing, and there isn't a single example of "stupid character syndrome" (where characters do something dumb just because the plot dictates it) anywhere in the film. The deaths at the hands of the monsters come so suddenly that they never lose their impact, and the very last one is perhaps the most startling of all.

I imagine there are some who will fault this movie for having a "Hollywood Ending"--like the person I watched it with did--but I think that's ignoring the way some of the character deaths were handled, as well as the character of Riddick. (Or maybe they might forget to consider the way characters like Riddick have been handled in recent horror, suspense and action flicks. It's been a while since a movie has actually allowed a character like Riddick to truly transform as the story progresses.)