Worst documentary crew ever?

Ghost Attack on Sutton Street (2012)
Starring: Lee Roberts, Michelle Gant, Pete Cox, Matthew Davies, and Michelle Hare
Director: Philip Gardiner
Rating: One of Ten Stars

A documentary crew follows Haunted Events UK on an investigation of hauntings at the Sutton Street indoor market in this clumsy attempt at making a... well, to be honest, I'm not sure WHAT they were trying to accomplish.

"Ghost Attack on Sutton Street" is either a failed mockumentary, a failed at attempt at making a "ghosts are real" hoax film ala "The Last Exorcism", or a failed promotional film for Haunted Events UK. Whatever the intent, the end result doesn't make the future career prospects of any of the participants seem particularly rosey.

Let's set aside for a moment that the fact that Gardiner and his B-camera man are the worst documentary crew in the history of filmmaking, if this film was supposed to be a real documentary. No camera is EVER pointed where something is supposed to happen--even if the "ghost hunter" is saying, "Over there, something is going to happen with that toy car over there"--the cameras remain on the "ghost hunter" or some other equally uninteresting bit of scenery until someone shouts "Oh my God! Something DID happen over there!"

But, of course, by the time the camera turns to where an event is happening, it's already over--the ghost is done moving a toy car or knocking over a chair, or what have you.

And the supposed evidence of ghosts that Haunted Events UK presents in this film are so hackneyed or transparently clumsy that even the most game middle school girls would be unlikely to be terrified by them. They rank from medium tricks that were stale back when Arthur Conan Doyle was being duped by them, to clumsy hoaxes that a child would be able to see through.

The most lame way the Haunted Events UK tries to "prove" the existence of ghosts to the audience involves toy cars. Toy cares are left sitting on counters and if the car is later found to have been moved, a ghost has been by. Why do ghosts like to play with Matchbox Cars? Who knows. But the toy cars DO get moved... when no one is looking, of course. Or when the "paranormal expert" is looking at a toy car and the camera is conveniently filming something completely irrelevant. The car trick MIGHT be taken as a sign of ghostly activities, because the crew is supposedly the only people inside the building if not for the fact that the "paranormal expert" sends half the team away because it's getting too dangerous due to ghost activity about halfway through the movie. If Haunted Events UK is in the business of staging "haunted house" tours, then it's pretty clear who's moving the cars or rattling chains or what have you. Basically, anyone who rolls their eys at the "my Maglite is blinking, so a ghost must be trying to communicate!" nonsense from SyFy's "Ghosthunters".

I've touched twice on the awful cinematography in the film, but it pales in comparison to the omnipresent, nerve-grating score that does more to undermine the sense of reality that was most likely the goal of the film than the third-rate carnival acts of the Haunted Events UK crew could ever do. It's overblown, tedious, and consistently out of place.

My final take on "Ghost Attack on Sutton Street" is that it's a film that shouldn't be viewed by anyone, except maybe aspiring filmmakers who might benefit from a compact collection of every single thing you could do wrong when trying to make a hoax movie.